Sporks:GNU's Not Windows
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Note: this work is by Elizabeth Myers, and is licensed under the Creative Commons ByAttribution ShareAlike NonCommercial 4.0 license.
GNU's Not Windows A horrifying fanfic by Elizabeth Myers FOREWORD I already said much of what I want to say in the foreword to The Anti-Patent Clause. I can add little to that, other than all trilogies need a satisfying ending. This is the long overdue conclusion of a three-part series of fanfics. Sorry, but I'm not sorry. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHAPTER 1: The Executive Paul Allen was sitting at his desk at Microsoft, crunching quarterly numbers. He let out a sigh to his secretary, "this job is really dull. If I have to be here another year, I'm going to neck myself." His secretary nodded. "I'm sure the stress is getting to you, with the new CEO and all that." Paul sighed again. "Yeah... he's a hardass." He went back to his Microsoft Excel file, preparing another quarterly profit report, when his secretary heard a knock at the office door. "Hi, I've been cleared by security. Can I come in?" It was none other than Linus Torvalds. Paul was aghast. What could the creator of Linux want with a career man at Microsoft? What conversation could they possibly had? The two had nothing in common whatsoever. They were very different personalities. Nonetheles, Paul was intrigued. Something told him he had to talk to Linus that day. "Okay, let him in," he told his secretary. Linus walked in redolent of cologne. It was a certain irresistible scent that Paul found himself oddly attracted to. He had never been attracted to a man in any way before, but Linus seemed unique in a way he couldn't put his finger on. "Hi, Paul. I need your help." A look of shock came upon Paul's face. He began to sweat a little. What could his biggest enemy want with him? What could he possibly want? He tried to hide his reaction. "W... What do you need my help with?" Paul said, in a bemused tone. "I need you to be a third-party arbitrator. Things have gotten so complicated, and I can't come to anyone else. It has to be you." Paul didn't understand, but was intrigued. "Go on," he said, still confused. "Okay, so, Richard Stallman, Eric S. Raymond, and I... some really, really confused stuff has gone on between us. I don't know what to do, Paul." Paul was even more confused by this. "Why can't you go to... Greg Kroan-Hartshone or whatever his name is? Why not talk to him? Why not Colin Pina Colada or whoever that guy is?" Linus grumbled. "Look, now is not the time for jokes. I can't come to anyone. I have to come to you. You're the only one who can help me save face. It's something really embarrassing. We are talking so embarrassing, that if word got out, it would be the end of me. It would be the end of my career." Paul was intrigued. He always wanted to destroy Linus Torvalds. He thought to himself, "I'm gonna ruin this whole man's career, right now. I'll make him regret all of those Microsoft penis jokes and those Microsoft Works smart-ass wisecracks." He resisted the temptation to rub his hands together. "Okay, let's hear it, Linus." Linus sighed. "Here's the thing. Nobody is gonna believe I ever came to see you. Nobody. So whatever I say here, I don't care. You can tell the world, and you know what? They aren't going to believe a fucking word. Not a single one. With that out of the way, let me tell you what I need." Linus took a deep breath. "Okay. So basically, things have gotten complicated between me, Eric S. Raymond, and Richard Stallman. I keep thinking constantly about the licensing disagreements between us with no end in sight. I want a solution that helps us all save face." Paul looked at Linus with a bemused face. He had never touched a libre license in his life, and he wasn't about to start now. Somehow though, he knew he had to help Linus. Something, and he couldn't think of what, told him that turning away Linus would be walking away from something big. Maybe he could persuade Linus to adopt a proprietary license or special agreement for Microsoft and Linux if he helped. "Okay. I'm in. I got four weeks paid vacation left. I assume you need me to moderate, as a neutral and disinterested third party?" Linus shifted awkwardly. "I was hoping you'd have some interest... but... well, you'll understand when we get to Cambridge." "Cambridge? Are we going to meet at RMS's flat? That man is disgusting. I saw a video online of him eating something from his foot. No way I'm going anywhere near that man!" Deep down, Paul wanted nothing to do with RMS's ideas of freedom and open source. He was just looking for an opportunity to persuade the head honcho of Linux to do a favour for Microsoft. He certainly wasn't going to go to some greasy neckbeard's disgusting flat, with his filthy futons so bad, they were a legend even in Redmond. Linus quickly relented. "Okay, okay, Paul, we can..." He hesitated for a moment. "We can meet in Pennsylvania. ESR washes." Paul was relieved. He was more politically aligned with ESR to begin with, so he knew this would help smooth things over. "Okay. Pennsylvania it is. We'll meet next week?" He marked his calendar. "Sounds good. You can find ESR's address online. I'll let him know." CHAPTER 2: The Neckbeard Richard heard a knock at his door. He wasn't expecting guests at this hour, and the sex party wasn't set to start for another hour. "Go away," Richard said. "You're way too early. I'm busy writing a piece about the virtues of voluntary celibacy." "No, Richard. It's me. You remember." Richard was agahst. Could it be Linus? He was incredulous. "Is that you, Linus?" He remembered the last time they met. "I've committed my life to celibacy, go away." Linus wasn't coming away empty-handed without his man. "Richard, I know you're a volcel now. But I really need you to open up. This is about licensing." Richard was intrigued. Perhaps at last, he could convince Linus to use the GPLv3 for the Linux kernel, and heal the rift he had created. He could convince Linus the evils of Tivoization and to change his ways. "Okay, Linus. I'll bite. But I demand a moderator. No proprietary bullshit one, either." Linus smirked. He had him. "I have a neutral third-party moderator. Don't worry about who it is. I'm sure you'll find him perfectly fine. He may need some... persuasion about the FOSS thing, but you're great with that." Linus knew this wasn't true, but he knew it would hit the spot and draw him in. Richard sighed. "Okay, is it here, or is it at MIT? I don't think I'm welcome at MIT ever since... uhhh..." He awkwardly coughed. "well, I'm just not welcome there." "Oh dear God, may I ask why?" "Some things are better left unsaid," Richard awkwardly interjected. "Oh-kay... anyway, this is in Pennsylvania, we'll do it at ESR's place. Next week. Plenty of time to swap source code." "Sounds like a date!" Richard wrote it into his calendar, and crossed off a speaking engagement at a conference about the anti-shower movement. CHAPTER 3: The Republican Linus pulled up to a small house in Pennsylvania. He got out of the car and knocked on the door. "Linus!" A surprised Eric S. Raymond answered the door. "Aren't you a sight for open source eyes?" "Hi Eric. I need you to do me a favour..." Linus teased. "Shoot." Eric was ready to do what Linus asked, finding the allure of his Perkele to be very strong. He sniggered to himself, thinking he made a funny pun about his gun activism. Linus ignored the awful pun. "So, I am having a conference here in Pennsylvania next week. I know, I know, an awful place. You don't have to tell me that. Anyway, can you help house it? Paul Allen, me, and RMS will be there, and I'd appreciate it if you were there too. This is strictly a closed-source conference between the four of us, no outside guests." Eric gulped. He kne he had lots of confused feelings for Linus. He had even more confused feelings about it being closed-source. But he knew he couldn't pass up the opportunity to see Linus and RMS again... "Okay. I'll host it. When will it be?" Linus grinned ear to ear. "Next week! I'm bringing my pistol too. We can shoot together." "Oh my," Eric interjected. "I'll shoot with you any day!" Linus smirked. "Hope your gun's loaded next Wednesday." Eric giggled with glee. "It's a date!" CHAPTER 4: The Rendezvous Linus picked up Paul and Richard from the airport. He drove them, this time in his rental from Avis and not the cheap place Eric suggested in Scranton, covered in Confederate flags. He wasn't a believer in the free market like Eric was, but had a more healthy outlook on economics. Linus came up to the door with the two of them and a briefcase and rang the doorbell. "Come in, come in!" Eric said with enthusiasm. He gave Richard the eyes. Richard had to shower because of airport security, but he still had his characteristic musk, that always seemed to return. Eric wanted more than anything else in the world to smell Richard's balls again. It was redolent of the man he loved so much. Since Eric's dining room table was covered in AR-15's, they chose to meet in Eric's bedroom. Linus then introduced Paul to everyone. "Paul is the only stranger here to us all. We've all... met before... heh. So he works at Microsoft... I'm sorry, Richard. He's the moderator. Please just try to get along..." Richard was incensed. "Paul... Allen? *That* Paul? Oh my God, Linus, why would you appoint him moderator? This... this proprietary salary man! He is the epitomy of everything wrong with software!" Linus sighed. "He's the only one that can't blackmail us for our... past. No one will believe him. He works for Microsoft. That's like the open-source devil." Richard relented. He admitted he had a strange attraction to Paul. It was a bit like the excitement of an affair, or so he imagined, after all, only having had sex twice in his life. "Let's get started." Linus opened his briefcase. CHAPTER 5: The Four-Way Roshambo Linus had a wide variety of ropes, gags, and other assorted bondage gear in his suitcase. Paul was agahst. "Linus, what the Hell is this??? I came here to have a wholesome discussion about licensing, and now you have ROPES? What on Earth are you thinking Linus? You're out of your mind!" Linus shushed Paul. "Listen here, I know something about you. You remember Joey from your college days? You shared a frat with him. He told me all about your gay sexcapades and experiments, and how much you enjoyed every moment of it all. You liked keeping it proprietary even then. You never told anyone else." Paul blushed. He tried to say something, but he could only stammer. "Yeah, that's right. Joey... he's into FOSS now, Paul." Paul didn't know what to say. He felt betrayed by this friend of his from a long time ago. And yet, for some reason, the more he thought about it, the more he realised that, he, too, had feelings for Linus and Eric. Even Richard, in the sort of way one feels about a person when they have a strong desire to hatefuck them. After all, Richard was like a forbidden fruit, and if Paul's philandering with his secretary taught him anything, it was that he enjoyed the thrill of a closed-source sexual gathering. Linus smirked. "The thing about being a moderator in a discussion about open- source? Yeah, that was a sham. I'm here to do so much more." Paul's legs shook and trembled. He finally managed to speak after a moment. "Okay... I'll have you know though... I'm a top. Like, the toppiest top you've ever met. The Halloween documents? That was me. I'm a dominator everywhere." Linus grinned. "I was hoping you'd say that." He prepared to submit to Paul's clauses. CHAPTER 6: Richard's Dick Paul smirked. He was a seasoned rigger from playing around with his wife and six of his secretaries, not to mention his wild college days. He bound them all by the hands behind them and gagged each of them. But he had another trick up his sleeve. He suspended them all by their arms from the ceiling, and had ropes around their legs suspended from a hook, so he could freely rotate the hapless open-source men. "I'm going to bind you with some licensing clauses you've never seen before," he boomed. Richard moaned with pleasure and became visibly erect. Linus was almost confused as to what was happening but he knew he liked it. Eric wasn't usually one to get suspended from his own ceiling, to say the least, but was turned on by Linus's perkele again. Paul smirked. "Prepare to swallow my source." Paul turned Richard upside down from the ropes and dropped him down to the level of his throbbing dick. Despite all the jokes, he was neither micro, nor soft. He ungagged Richard and then shoved all nine inches into Richard's throat. Richard gagged and tried to cough, but still found himself in the throes of utmost pleasure. He was accustomed to Microsoft dominating the industry, and now Microsoft was dominating him. "Don't forget, Richard, you can't tell anyone about this. This has to be proprietary." For the first time in his life, Richard nodded. He loved being dominated by a career CEO, and he couldn't figure out why. Paul let out a large grunt and spilled his seed down Richard's throat. Richard gulped in desperation, wanting to see Paul's source. He wanted the whole ZIP file downloaded into his mouth. He was usually a fan of tarballs, but in this case, he made an exception. Paul grunted as he came dozens of ropes into Richard. "God, how does it feel? Being dominated by Windows. We have 80% of the marketshare for desktops, and I have 80% of the share for cum and dick here." Paul pulled out to listen to Richard's response. "This isn't open-source... it's so wrong, but it feels so right. How can a proprietary dick taste so good???" CHAPTER 7: The Cathedral And The Bizarre Paul smirked and put the gag back on Richard. He turned his attention to Linus and Eric. "Okay, for you two, something special." He ungagged them both and turned Eric upside down. Paul laughed. "You're gonna suck each other off, 69." He pushed Eric and Linus into each other. Linus and Eric began eagerly sucking each other's dicks. The smell of Richard's balls and the stench of his ass began to turn Eric on. Linus was repulsed, but played through the pain. He wanted Eric's pull request and he wanted it yesterday. It wasn't every day he could express the gay side of himself. Besides, he found the idea of this being a forbidden act and his wife not knowing to be an incredible turn-on. Linus took Eric's large dick deeper into his waiting mouth and into his throat. Eric moaned with pleasure as he took in Linus's equally-matched wang into his. Both rocked in pleasure and moaned as they approached climax. Linus, being into edgeplay, stopped sucking at strategic points, to keep him from releasing his source as long as possible. Eric, being frustrated with the cathedral-like ways of Linus's teasing, bit Linus's long member to send a message, but didn't do so too hard. He didn't want to be on the wrong side of Linus's perkele. It was just enough stimulation to get Linus to push his source deep into Eric's waiting repository. As Linus began to cum, Paul inserted a large dildo from Linus's bag into his gaping ass, making him cum even harder. It was an open-source dildo, but Paul didn't mind. It was what was on hand. The fact it wasn't made with AutoDesk CAD on Windows on a commercial 3D printer was of no consequence in the moment. Linus decided that he wanted to get Eric off, since he had just finished. Paul moved the open-source dildo into Eric's waiting behind. Eric unpacked his thick tarball into Linus's home directory. Eric moaned loudly and gasped. He removed Linus's shaft from his mouth. "Take me to the bazaar, Linus!" he screamed. He blew his massive load of source code. Linus swallowed it all. CHAPTER 8: The Aftermath Paul removed them all from the ceiling and removed the gags. Eric and Linus looked at each other with loving eyes. Richard looked at Eric lustfully. He wanted nothing more than to sleep with Eric, but he was denied and everyone was spent. He felt almost cheated, but Paul almost made up for it. "Eric... I love you, but I want to share the love. I want us to be lovers at last. All I could think of up there, while Paul was pushing his source into me, was you. I want to give up my life of voluntary celibacy. I want to be with you, but I can't promise exclusivity... you know that." Eric sighed. "You know I can't do that. The only one here I truly have feelings for besides you, is Linus, and we all know he's married..." Linus sighed. "You're right. I can't give up my wife for this. It wouldn't be fair for her, and you know... I can't keep making trips like this without raising her suspicion." Richard sighed. "I understand..." He held back his tears. Eric looked into Richard's eyes and gave him a deep kiss. "We have shared something special, Richard. We shared our source with each other. We showed each other the code. We put aside our differences on licensing and found something special. I just... I can't share you, not with anyone else but Linus, maybe. That's just how I am. I want it to be different, I really do..." Richard looked at Linus and Paul. "Thank you for bringing me here, Linus," he breathed. Paul sighed. "Same to you, Linus... we should go." They all began to leave when Paul turned around as he left. "Eric?" "Yes?" "We should do this again, together. Maybe make this a yearly event. We can call it a 'conference,' you know?" "Yeah, yeah, definitely." Eric said. He knew in his heart he lusted after this again, and he knew he wanted to get to know Paul more. CHAPTER 9: Eric Eric went to his backyard and sighed. He opened a Coors Light, the beer he had once heard Ayn Rand enjoyed. "You know, I miss those guys," he said to himself. He picked up his pistol and prepared to shoot at three bobbleheads. He paused for a moment. "I can't shoot their effigies," he thought. He shot at his usual target, a paper target on his shed, instead. Dead center from 100 yards, each time. EPILOGUE Later that year, Paul Allen died of cancer. Linus, Eric, and Richard all went to his funeral. They had lost their moderator, but had not lost their friendship. Paul had brought them together, but it seemed unlikely they would cross paths anytime soon again. Against the backdrop of growing rifts in FOSS, the three went their separate ways. Linus and Eric distanced themselves from Richard after controversial comments he made about Epstein. Richard devoted his life to celibacy once more, this time for good. He just couldn't have his heart broken again like that. Richard swore to himself he would never speak to Eric again, and to this day, he's kept that promise. Linus went back to the Linux kernel, keeping silent on all that had transpired that year. Eric went back to being his usual Republican-in-Libertarian's-clothing lifestyle. He never spoke to either Richard or Linus again, especially after he touted his support for Trump.
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