Sporks:The Anti-Patent Clause

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Note: this work is by Elizabeth Myers, and is licensed under the Creative Commons ByAttribution ShareAlike NonCommercial 4.0 license.

The Anti-Patent Clause
A Bad Fanfic by Elizabeth Myers


I've always enjoyed the genre of horror. I also enjoy things that warp expectations and challenge people's morals, albeit in a way that doesn't create offense, but merely disgust. I understand some may find these slashfics to be disgusting or offensive; I urge these people to shove it up their ass, and remember that these are entirely works of fiction (I hope).

Untethering the mind and allowing yourself to think about something in a new way is the backbone of intellect and innovation. This innovation may be greasy or even fucking disgusting, but is nonetheless still innovative. Furthermore, the unbridled ability to write about anything, even topics which some may find distasteful, is the foundation of a free society. It is with this that I justify the writing of this fanfiction.

This all being said, I never intended my original fic, POSIX Me Harder, to be anything but a joke. It was intended to be a slashfic that continues the premise of GNU's Not Eunuchs to a more "satisfying" conclusion. Part of this is the fact I'm an incorrigible troll. I've been inspired to continue by the IRC user known as "calvin", on Interlinked, also at @calvin@cronk.stenoweb.net. I'm not sure why I've listened to him, or any motivations beyond this.

Perhaps I am motivated by some subconscious desire to be an edgelord, but I firmly believe it would put me in a separate category from most edgelords. I don't want to joke about ethnicity, biological sex, gender, or any inborn traits of a person. I just want to make horrifying smut. Perhaps this could be considered an elaborate Aristocrats joke in a way.

You might ask, "do you gain sexual gratification from writing this?" The answer is a resounding "fuck no." I'm kind of horrified I wrote these, in fact. But the show must go on. I'm in too deep.

I hope in some way, you too gain a perverse enjoyment and vague sense of horror from this.

Let's do this.


CHAPTER 1: The First Meeting

Eric S. Raymond arrived at the house of Linus Torvalds on a bright sunny day. He parked out front and knocked on the door.

"Hey, Linus," Eric said.

"Uhh... hello... Eric..." Linus was confused. He wasn't entirely sure why Eric would come to his house. He hoped it wasn't to exact vengenace at the end of an AR-15.

"Are... are you armed?" Linus sheepishly asked.

Eric smirked. "Well, I'm armed with /something/, but nothing that would cause injury."

"Oh... kay..." Linus was not really sure what Eric was going on about here. "So what uh, brings you here?"

"May I come in?" Eric asked, with a wry smile.

"I guess..." Linus was unsure of what to make of this, but decided Eric was harmless.

Eric had a seat at Linus's table. "So what brings you here?" Linus asked.

Eric sighed. "Linus, I know we've had our disagreements, but I think ultimately, we're allies." Eric paused for a moment. "Linus, we're both vested in the future of Linux, and I have been a huge booster for the project historically. Whatever disagreements we've had are just small."

Linus paused to think. "This is true, Eric. I suppose it's not a big deal. Is this all though?"

"No, Linus." Eric paused for a moment.

"Linus, I want you to come on a trip with me to Cambridge."

"I can't just fucking up and leave," Linus scoffed. "I have a family, I have responsibilities. I mean, shit Eric. I know you don't got a family and don't get it, but come on."

"This is important. Very important," Eric said in an adamant tone. "Consider it a trip for business."

Linus became suspicious immediately. What exactly were Eric's intentions? "Out with it, what is it?" Linus asked, rolling his eyes.

Eric looked at Linus. "I want to have a conference with you and Richard M. Stallman. To discuss licensing. I think we can find common ground if we work together."

Linus sighed. "The GPLv3 is a fine license, as I've said before, but... that patent clause..."

Eric looked at Linus. "We all see the writing on the wall. Patents are going the way of the dodo. You know it as well as I do. This is a minor thing, and I think we can persuade Richard M. Stallman to direct his efforts elsewhere. We can get a fixed GPLv4 and end this rift once and for all, this rift which is clearly harming open-source. Now, I'm a BSD-license advocate, everyone knows this, but I think compromise is possible."

Linus pondered for a bit. "I'll have to sleep on it," he said.

Eric got up and began to walk out. Just before leaving, he said to Linus: "hey, think about it, this is a good opportunity."

Linus nodded. "Yeah. Yeah..."

CHAPTER 2: The Dawn Of The Second Day

Eric returned to Linus's house and knocked on the door. Linus immediately knew it was Eric.

"Alright. I talked to the missus, and she understands. For work, well, I make the fucking Linux kernel, I'm like a God, I can do whatever I want. I put Greg in charge of merges for now."

Eric was excited. "Okay, let's go. I've booked us both a flight now."

Linus was surprised at Eric's planning. "I hope you made those tickets refundable."

"Oh, of course, why wouldn't I? I always buy refundable tickets. The free market will correct itself if everyone does this, and they'll only sell refundable tickets."

Linus eyerolled. "I don't wanna talk politics right now, man."

Eric sighed. "Alright."

Eric returned his rental and they both boarded the plane with their effects.

CHAPTER 3: The Landing

A few hours later they landed in Boston and Eric immediately rented a car from a sketchy local shop with "DON'T TREAD ON ME" and Confederate flags everywhere. Linus raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah, I know this guy, he's cool, and he gives me good discounts. Hand of the free market," Eric said.

"I'm not really sure how cool someone with a Confederate flag can be, but whatever, let's just... never mind." Linus was just glad he wasn't paying for it.

"What's wrong with a Confederate flag?" Eric noted. "I mean, he's allowed to believe what he wants."

Linus groaned. "Dude, what did I say about politics?"

Eric sighed. "Okay, okay. Fine."

They rented separate hotel rooms at a local hotel called "Motel de Casa." "Cheapest rates," Eric noted. Linus wasn't thrilled with the quality of his room, but he resigned himself to it. After all, Eric generously paid for it, and ESR is not a man known for his generosity.

"Man, Eric's a fucking sleazy cheapass," he thought. He turned on the TV. "Not even complementary HBO, fuckers," Linus griped.

He watched some reruns of The Simpsons, then went to bed, preparing for tomorrow's meeting.

While Linus slept in the next room, Eric tossed and turned. "I hope this is enough... I hope Rich knows I've changed," he mumbled. "I'll just need to convince Linus..."

CHAPTER 4: The Second Meeting

The two went to Richard M. Stallman's apartment in Cambridge and knocked on the door.

"COMING!" Rich shouted. Eric sniggered.

"Why the snigger?" Linus asked.

"Oh, nothing, uh, I bet he's gonna show up in the buff or something," Eric sniggered.

"Hah, probably," Linus mumbled to Eric.

RMS showed up with an ill-fitting robe and cash in hand. "Oh... you're not the pizza man," he said with surprise. "What brings you here Eric... and why'd you bring Linus?"

"Can we come in?" Linus asked.

"Sure, sure, come right in. Make yourself at home," Richard invitingly said. The apartment smelled strongly of musk and unwashed laundry. Linus nearly gagged at the smell, but Eric seemed to take it in with almost a sense of pleasure.

The two sat on futons placed on the floor, possibly the greasiest, crustiest futons in all of New England.

"Rich, I wanna talk licensing," Eric said.

"Go on," Richard said. He thought finally that Eric and Linus had seen the light, and that the GPLv3 was the one true path.

Eric knew then his plan was unfolding as he intended.

CHAPTER 5: Courtship

"I thought about what you said that day, Richard," Eric said. "I thought a lot." Eric opened a satchel with lube, various ropes, and leather.

"Woah woah woah, what the Hell man? This is about licensing!" Linus exclaimed. He wasn't prepared for this at all. "I didn't come here to be part of some bizarre sexcapade."

Eric said to Linus, "haven't you been curious what it's like to be with another man?"

Linus squirmed. He admitted to himself he might have been bisexual. But he wasn't sure.

"Uh... I... uh... I'm married, Eric. I can't do this," Linus stammered.

Eric was prepared for this. He immediately responded. "Linus, we can satisfy you in a way that no one else can..."

"We?" Linus was confused, but slowly piecing things together.

Richard wasn't planning on having sex today, or ever again, frankly. He was surprised to learn Eric had planned a threesome. He wanted to share the love. "Wow, he's... changed... he believes in freedom," Richard thought.

"Linus, I have been with Eric," Richard admitted. "He's gentle. Don't be afraid."

Linus was still nervous. "But... why here in this... this place?"

"No time like the present, and why not?" Eric responded.

"O... okay, I'll try it once. Fuck it. But I'm on top. Perkele and all that. And Richard, God DAMN, you STINK. Go take a fucking shower."

Richard got in his shower and got out his Lavender body wash, which he had for occasions where it was demanded he have some semblance of hygiene. He obediently and quickly showered as Eric and Linus patiently waited.

"Wait a minute, Linus, I'm always on top, Eric said curtly, "I don't bottom for anyone!"

"I am the Dictator For Life of the Linux kernel and you will do as I say!" Linus demanded.

Eric was shocked. No one had ever stood up to him in the bedroom before, yet he found he liked it. He knew it was in his rational self-interest in getting laid to submit to Linus's overwhelming authority.

"F... fine." He was expecting to be the dominator here, but he was being put in his place. He found it oddly arousing.

Both waited patiently for Richard to finish his shower, his first in months.

CHAPTER 6: The Pecking Order

Richard got out of the shower redolent of Lavender. Eric was slightly disappointed, enjoying Richard's musk, but also an admirer of the Lavender scent. He himself used the same sort of body wash.

Linus, being an experienced kink with his wife, immediately dominated the two. He rummaged around Eric's case and looked at the equipment inside.

"Put on the collar, face mask, and gag, Eric, right now." Linus was adamant. Eric obeyed.

Richard was in shock. "Proprietary love! I don't believe this!" he shouted.

"Dick, put all of it on too," Linus demanded.

"This passion isn't libre... but..." for a moment, Richard suspended his principles of freedom, for a chance to make love with Eric once more. Richard, having meditated on it before, knew he was a sub, and wanting to have passion with Eric once more, obeyed Linus's command. His long beard snagged in the zipper, and his head was ill-fitting, but he didn't mind.

Linus, being an experienced project manager, established the pecking order. "Here is how this is gonna work," he said with authority. "I'm gonna top Eric. Eric, you're gonna top Dick. Got it? Good. These are the terms of my license. It's my show now. This will not be libre. This will be proprietary between us, under NDA. A gag order." He chuckled at his joke a bit.

Eric tried to speak but was muffled by the gag, but nodded in agreement. Richard did nothing but nod. Both immediately got on all fours.

"Let's get this party started," Linus said, with a tone of relish.

CHAPTER 7: The Heat of Passion

Linus ordered Richard to get into position, with Eric on top. He passed Eric the lube.

"Lube him, then lube yourself," Linus demanded. "But not too much. I like a bit of interpersonal friction. Keeps people in check."

Eric obeyed. He wasn't used to bottoming, but was turned on by Linus's perkele. "I wasn't expecting all this!," Eric thought to himself.

"Now top him, make him open his repository, unpack your tarball inside him," Linus demanded.

Eric mounted Richard, taking in his scent, his musk faintly detectable in his hair. Eric was aroused by this and immediately got hard. He began thrusting into Richard deeply. Richard let out a moan through the gag. Although he had restricted covenants at the moment, he found he felt free with Eric's love rocket inside him.

Linus tied ropes around the two to tighten them together, like a set of reins. To this he added ropes around their love packages. He was somewhat hesitant at first, his first time with a man, let alone two men, but he was no stranger to the unknown.

"Let's go." He thrusted hard into Eric. Eric let out a grunt through the gag. He gave Richard some of his love potion upon Linus's entry, a small spurt.

"The source!" Richard thought, and struggled to exclaim, but couldn't through his gag. Linus pulled on the ropes around Richard's genitals, who let out a moan in pain but also pleasure.

Linus pulled in the reins closer as he thrusted into Eric. This restricted the two's thrusting, but both found it very arousing and nonetheless pleasurable. He continued to thrust into them until he exclaimed, "I'M COMING!" and spurted his source into Eric's behind.

Eric, upon feeling the warmth of Linus's genetic source code inside him, spurted into Richard. Linus pulled the ropes around his genitals too, bringing the same feeling of simultaneous pain and pleasure to Eric as well.

Linus then dismounted and moved to the front. With new-found confidence he flatly stated, "Dick, I'm going to suck you off. Eric, you're not to move, unless I move you, you hear me?"

Eric nodded in agreement, and mumbled a bit, but his speech was unintelligible. "This is incredible," Eric thought to himself, "it's like the first time I fired a gun."

Linus then took Richard's member into his mouth and began to suck it, pulling on the reins that tied the two together, causing Eric to thrust. He continued to suck until he felt Richard was close to cumming, then removed his mouth, tugged on the rope around his junk, and gave him a handjob until his source was all over Linus's hands.

"Eat it," Linus commanded Richard, removing his gag for a moment.

"O... okay..." Richard took in his own load into his mouth. "It tastes good," he told Linus.

All three being satisfied, he gave all the ropes a tug, sending waves of pleasure and pain through both their bodies. He then undid the ropes, and commanded them to take off their gags and masks.

Linus wiped his hands clean on Eric's skin. "You both did a good job. I really enjoyed working with you two."

"Yeah... you... you too," Eric said, in amazement about how good that felt.

"I... I never knew I could feel so good from a proprietary system," Richard noted.

CHAPTER 8: All Good Things Must Come To An End

Linus then said to Richard, "that's my patented love-making technique, I have to ask you not do it yourself without asking me."

"That's insane!" Richard exclaimed, being fiercely anti-patent, and knowing the absurdity of this statement.

"I dunno, that seems reasonable," Eric said, not really understanding his hesitation. Eric was a firm believer in the right of others to impose restrictions such as these.

"I can't! I can't do it! Method patents are wrong!" Richard was livid.

Linus frowned at this. "I guess I was wrong about you..."

Eric sighed. "He's a stickler for his morals." He packed up his suitcase. "Convincing him's a lost cause. Let's go, Linus," Eric said with resignation. He knew Richard couldn't be convinced.

The two left the building. Richard sighed and sat alone. "I stand by my principles to the end."

CHAPTER 9: The Aftermath

Eric flew with Linus back to his home in California.

"So, I guess this is goodbye, then," Eric said to Linus.

Linus sighed. "We can't do this again, Eric. I have a family. I have a wife. Imagine if she knew... this has to remain proprietary between us."

Eric sighed. "I know, Linus... it goes against everything I stand for, but... I know." Eric began to walk away.

"Hey Eric?" Linus said, in an understanding tone.

"Yeah?" Eric turned his head around.

"What we have could be special."

Eric let out a sigh. "Yeah..."

"See you at the next conference," Linus said, with a tone of nostalgia. "I won't forget what happened. It's our secret to share freely between us."

"Neither will I... See you around," Eric said, with relish.

Eric walked back to his rental and drove off, Linus watching.


Richard M. Stallman continued to hold wild sex parties in his flat, but once again found no one else would share the love with him. Bitter, he swore off sex forever.

Linus Torvalds resumed his kernel duties, his wife, nor anyone else, the wiser of what had transpired. He simply told his wife, "there's no convincing that man." She understood, not realising the real truth behind that statement.

Eric S. Raymond went back to his house. "Maybe now he can be mine," he thought. "Maybe I can get through to him and make him understand."

Eric thought for a moment. "Maybe he's right... there are benefits to libre love." He went out to the gunrange, with a fully-automatic AR-15, and set up two RMS and Linus Torvalds bobbleheads.

"Here's to you." He cocked the gun and pulled the trigger.

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