Sporks:POSIX Me Harder

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Note: this work is by Elizabeth Myers, and is licensed under the Creative Commons ByAttribution ShareAlike NonCommercial 4.0 license.

POSIX Me Harder
A Bad Fanfic by Elizabeth Myers

Richard Stallman was in his live-in office at MIT when he got a knock on his door.

"Come in," he said.

It was Eric S. Raymond, his old poliitcal rival in the open-source movement. The two had many a disagreement over the proper way to license software over the years. It wasn't really obvious to Richard why Eric would come visit him...

"Hello Eric," Richard said in resignation, "what brings you here today?"

"Hey Rich... I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind."

Richard was puzzled by this; although he wrote ELIZA for emacs, he was certainly no psychiatrist. And the two had a really negative history, and deep differences, after all. The two hadn't spoken in years, in fact. Nonetheless, he decided to let Eric speak.

"What's going on, Eric? It must be pretty heavy to bring you to me of all people..."

"Yeah." Eric let out a loud sigh.

Eric continued nervously. "I've been thinking, Rich, you know how we've fought over GPL vs BSD for a long time?"

Richard groaned. "I don't want to debate this again, Eric--"

"No no," Eric interjected, "I want to bury the hatchet." Eric moved around in his chair a bit nervously. "I want to make amends and be... your friend again."

Richard took off his glasses. He had a bewildered look on his face. He really wasn't sure of the motives of Eric here. Eric, you see, wasn't exactly known for conceding a fight, or even giving an inch of ground. Obviously, there was some ulterior motive.

"But what?" Richard thought to himself. "What could Eric S. Raymond want? There has to be a reason..."

Richard looked at Eric with his stone-cold eyes. "I see... so... why now of all times?"

"You see, Rich, I'm getting older. And times have changed a lot since the 90's. A lot of things are acceptable now that weren't then..."

"What do you mean?" Richard asked, very puzzled at this. He wondered where this was going.

"Rich, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I've never married, right?"

Richard nodded, "yes, I assumed it was because you preferred the chase."

"Yeah, Rich, but uh..." Eric built up all the courage he had. He was a master with a gun, but when it came to emotions, they were the master of him.

"You see... I'm... I'm..." He hesitated for a moment.

"I'm gay."

Richard processed it for a bit, bemusedly, then let out a huge laugh. "That's IT? That's all you came here to tell me, that you're queer?! To come out to ME of all people?" Richard was visibly amused. "'I'm gay, Rich'," Richard mocked in a condescending tone. "Jesus Christ, Eric, what the fuck, it's 2018, it's okay to be gay, there's gay Republicans now for God's sake."

"T-there's more, Rich," Eric stammered. He began to visibly sweat as Richard began to laugh a deep, rumbling belly laugh, that only a man of his size could muster.

"Well, out with it, what next, you like it in the ass?" Richard chuckled.

"Rich, I love you."

Richard immediately stopped laughing. He was stunned silent. He had never been told by anyone other than his parents that they loved him, no less a man telling him this. He had no idea what to make of this remark or even how to respond. He quickly rationalised it in his head. "It's a joke, maybe," he thought.

"Come on, Eric, don't fuck with me here," Richard said, incredulously but with a hint of nervousness.

"It's not a joke, Rich. I've known it for years! It's meant to be," Eric pleaded. "We're meant to be together, Rich. You and I. We're made from the same cloth. We believe the same things with software, except minor details. We could be more than just friends..." Eric hesitated a bit. "Yes, yes, I want to fuck with you, I want to share my source with you."

Richard puzzled for a moment. He wasn't ever sure of his sexuality; the subject had never really come up. Now one of his bitter rivals comes in with this huge bombshell. What could he say?

"Uh... Well..." Richard paused. He thought it over carefully as Eric nervously awaited Richard's response. Eric had a look of anticipation of heartbreak on his face.

Richard thought to himself, "I've always been curious... I don't know... I've never slept with anyone in my life. I mean, it's 2018... a man can love another man... and Eric... he does have a cute face, his moustache..." Richard looked at Eric again. "It's so perfectly groomed... and... well..." Richard coughed a bit, and nervously stammered, "I... I have experimented with putting some office supplies up my bum before... the highlighters... and I kind of liked it, I mean..."

Richard looked at Eric.

"Eric... I'm willing to give it a try if you are. I've never made love, you see.."

Eric, now with new-found confidence, told Richard, "it's easy... you let your body tell you what to do. You know what you want... you know you want to make your body free as in freedom... libre love..."

Richard, with some hesitation, said, "... yes... yes I do... I know it... my mind is free as in free speech..." The lust inside Richard was growing by the second, as well as his member at the thought of Eric's bare ass, being caressed with his soft hands.

Eric noticed the growing bulge in Richard's pants. "I can tell," he noted.

Richard knew what he should do. He took off his pants; he went commando, and had no underwear on. The musk of his balls permeated the air. MaMa"Free love... free as in free speech, and free as in free beer."

Eric inhaled it deeply, turned on by the smell. "Oh yes... yes Rich... this is what I've been waiting for... for years... show me the source." He quickly disrobed and removed Richard's shirt.

"So... how do we do this? Do I just... open the repository and commit?" Richard asked.

"Oh, no, I'm always on top," Eric said. Eric pulled out a bottle of lube he was carrying with him. "Let me show you how it's done. Get on all fours."

Richard got off of his chair and onto the futon in his office-home. He got on his hands and knees, and gave Eric ample space to go from behind.

"This isn't going to hurt, is it?" Richard asked.

"I'll be gentle... I know all about project management," Eric promised.

Eric started by rubbing Richard's musky feet. He took in the odors, which most found repulsive, but turned him on. He took in all the scents, the sight of Richard's large frame, his hair, his stone-cold eyes.

"Rich... I've been waiting for this... for so long... for us to finally be free," Eric said.

He rubbed up Richard's thighs and onto his musk-scented ass. He began to rub Richard's large gluteus maximus.

"Join us now... Eric... and share the hardware... my repository is open..." Richard panted, looking at Eric's throbbing phallus.

"You'll be free..." Eric replied. He rubbed the lube gingerly on Richard's bum. This was the moment he waited for for years. He savored it for a second.

Eric then slid his long member into Richard's cavernous cavernosum. He penetrated his sanctum sanctorum with thrusts, at first gentle, but increasing in speed. Richard moaned louder and louder as the thrusts became more rhythmic. Eric had Richard by the shoulders, thrusting deep into him.

"Give me your code! I want ALL your code in my repository!" Richard exclaimed.

Eric gave a few thrusts and then let out a grunt as he came inside Richard.

"Ohhhh! I'm going to tar this up later!" Richard exclaimed. Eric pulled out, still dripping with his source.

"Can I... can I taste it?" Richard asked. Hygiene had never been a concern for him; he wasn't about to start now.

"Ass to mouth?" Eric was slightly disgusted, but felt he had to begrudge Richard. After all, Richard had just helped him fufil a life-long fantasy.

Richard put his mouth onto Eric's phallus and began sucking. Eric held Richard's head onto him, wanting to demonstrate his sexual prowress. He jammed his large johnson into Richard's throat.

"And this is how I share my software..." Eric grunted as Richard obediently sucked on Eric's large member. Eric then let out another orgasm, giving the rest of his seed to Richard. Richard obediently gulped down the sweet source that had come into his mouth. Eric then released him.

"That was... that was incredible..." Richard exclaimed. "I've never felt more free in my life. I haven't felt this free since I incorporated the FSF..."

Eric then said, "this will be our little secret. We don't have to share it."

Richard then said, "no... no Eric... you have to share this experience... others deserve this kind of experience... like the GPL..."

Eric's mood quickly soured. "I thought what we had was special."

Richard quickly shot back, "yes... yes Eric, it is special... that's why everyone must experience this... I want you to bring as many men as you can here... for a fantastic orgy."

Eric then put his pants back on. "Richard, I don't do orgies, I'm a mano-a-mano kind of guy."

"But Eric..." Richard begged Eric, "please... others deserve it..."

Eric shook his head. "I guess our differences really are irreconcilable. Maybe we're not meant to be."

Richard had a tear in his eyes. "Does... does this mean... you don't want to share the source...?"

Eric sighed. "I shared my source with you. I have shared my source with others. But I don't want to have to do it... it's special. I want this to be special between us."

Richard swallowed, trying not to cry. "I'm not willing to keep love like this proprietary."

Eric shook his head. "it's time for me to go... if you decide one day to change your mind, you know where to find me."

Eric left the office, with Richard crying. "First LLVM takes over GCC, and now this. Fuck propreitary systems."

-- FIN --


After this sexual encounter, Richard M. Stallman was approached by the faculty of MIT. Semen and lube was found in his room by the obviously horrified janitors while RMS was at a conference.

He was harshly reprimanded and told he had to move out of MIT; his presence being merely tolerated before, begrudgingly, but this being the final straw.

Richard M. Stallman rented an apartment in Cambridge with his speaking fees, where he stays to this day. He is rumoured to allow orgies and other sex parties to take place in his apartment, but is never a participant. After all, no one really wants to sleep with RMS but ESR.

Eric S. Raymond returned to his home in Pennsylvania. Heartbroken and sad, he took his modified fully-automatic AR-15 to the range and shot a bobblehead RMS in effigy. He then swore to himself this:

"I'm going to make you mine, Rich. One way or another, we're going to share our source... forever."

Next: The Anti-Patent Clause